Last night was date night. We saw a musical that Lion likes. It occurred to me, as it has in the past, that the reasons I don’t like musicals are that I’d rather have someone just tell me a story rather than singing it to me; and I keep hoping the next scene will grab me, and it just never does. This is not true of all musicals. I can remember at least two that were a pleasant surprise, but 90% are a bust from my point of view. I go because Lion likes to go and, other than several years ago when we went to 20-something musicals, symphonies, and operas in one year, he asks to go to far fewer than he used to.

Date night also meant no play for Lion. Between the cage and training collar, Lion was very fidgety in his uncomfortable seat. He kept getting pinched and squished. And I had nothing to do with it!

We also discussed the need for me to punish him for random things that bother me without a warning. Since he was driving at the time, I gave the example of him cutting someone off. To me, that would be the perfect example of something he should be punished for without a warning or without establishing it as a rule. Minding his manners is not just for me and waiters. It should be for other drivers as well. Obviously, sometimes it is unavoidable or necessary to cut someone off. And I’m not with Lion all the time. I can’t police him then and I don’t expect him to self-report it. It’s not a rule. It was an example of an on-the-fly thing that would get him in trouble.

I am now on the hunt again for new rules, and keeping my eyes open for those non-rule infractions. Lion hopes catching him will become second nature for me. My first goal is to catch him more often than I miss. Maybe as often as I miss. Maybe at all. This is a lot of work. Good thing Lion is worth it.

male chastity t-shirt
Would I wear this at Kinkfest? If Mrs. Lion tells me I must. On my own? Not so sure.

We don’t normally discuss our sex lives; at least not to family, friends, coworkers; let’s face it; everybody. But here we are writing a blog revealing every tiny detail of our most private behavior. Are we crazy? Possibly. But that’s beside the point.

What about when we attend an event for kinky people? It’s perfectly acceptable to share and wear revealing information about kinks. At events I’ve attended, people wear collars, carry whips, and otherwise make their preferences and roles known. In the past, when I’ve attended these events, I would wear my black engineer boots with a chain on the left boot. That indicated I was a top.

Now I’m no longer a top. I’m wearing a chastity device and I am submissive to Mrs. Lion. The thought of advertising that publicly at the gathering in Portland, OR gives makes my chest tighten. That’s odd. I’m obviously very publicly out here in the blog, in The Huffington Review, and soon in Men’s Health magazine. Hardly an undercover lion.

Of course there’s a big difference. While you can hear our voices in the Huffington podcast and you can read my words here and in Mens Health, I am distanced by the anonymity of the nickname and distance. I have to think about how it might feel to be confronted in person about my submission.

chastity t-shirt
Mrs. Lion can advertise her role too.

You might be thinking that it’s strange for someone so “out” as me to have that concern. Shouldn’t I have thought of this before creating a blog and appearing in mass media? Probably. To further confuse the situation, I offered to do a male chastity workshop at that event in Portland. The roster was full when I asked, but was invited to apply for the 2018 event.

Again, if I am embarrassed about being submissive, why would I do that. I’m not embarrassed about being a sex educator. I’ve been doing that for a long time. In that context, I feel fine about revealing all; just like I do here. I think the reason is that the people attending the workshop are interested in enforced male chastity, and at least in my mind, not going to think less of me.

There’s really no reason I should expect that people will think less of me because I submit to Mrs. Lion. But my background in the BDSM scene has scarred me that way. Before Fetlife and other Internet forums and sites, the way you learned about D/S was by attending meetings of local leather groups. One reason I decided to identify as a top was that the submissive men attending these meetings were a pathetic, needy lot. They were generally looked down upon by the community.

Things have changed. I know that; at least intellectually. People respect me and my choices. They may wonder why I allow myself to get into such painful pickles, but they don’t look down on me. Some part of me worries that when I put on that t-shirt, I will be thought of as another pathetic male subbie; female submissives were coveted prizes sought by prowling tops. Sexism!

There  you have it. I’m uncomfortable about being labeled what I am. That, I suppose is hypocrisy or fear, maybe both. Before living with Mrs. Lion I was a respected sex educator. I ran workshops in Portland at the “Living in Leather” national conventions for several years. I’m hoping to find some old friends there. Do I want them to think I am still a lifestyle top? No, I can’t do that.

So, the choice comes down to whether we want to be public about enforced chastity at this event Should we both wear revealing t-shirts, should it just be me, or should we attend as unlabeled lions? It’s not fair to just toss the decision to Mrs. Lion. I don’t think she would like it if I did. This is something we need to discuss. What do you think?

Lion may think he’s in a race to the finish. He tries his best, but I stop and he loses the race by a stroke.

As I was following the dog into the kitchen last night to get her doggie ice cream, I was pretending I was an announcer at a horse race: Down the backstretch and around the final turn, it’s doggie ice cream by a nose. She likes the fanfare. A little later, Lion and I were talking about edging. He was very frustrated last night. He wondered what’s the big deal; I get him almost all the way there, why can’t I get him the rest of the way? This morning it occurred to me that Lion’s sex life is like sports.

Think about it. Lion’s on third base and someone hits the ball to right field. He takes off for home. Will he get to home before the ball? It’s. So. Close. But no, he’s out! Or it’s fourth down and inches to the goal line. Lion’s team is losing by four points. It all depends on this next snap. Can he make it in? The ball is snapped and there’s a collision of bodies. The refs dig through the pile and….no! He didn’t make it! Or, the horse race analogy. Lion is neck and neck with another horse. Who will win? Lion? The other horse? It’s a photo finish. And it’s the other horse. Poor Lion.

Obviously, we both win when he gets to come, but those photo finishes are rough. I was relentless with him last night. I must have edged him eight or ten times. No wonder pre-cum was dripping for so long! It hasn’t been that many days, but I guess for a non-broken Lion, it feels like an eternity. I used plain coconut oil on him. For some reason he likes coconut oil, but not other lubes. We have a silicon lube that I like. It’s very slippery. We have other ones that aren’t as slippery. I think the coconut oil fits in with the latter. I know the silicon is more difficult to clean off than the others, but I’m talking about how they feel as a lube. He loves the coconut oil. Okay. I can do that, just not all the way. Until I do go all the way.

On Monday, I forgot to remind Mrs. Lion that it was punishment day. One of the earliest rules Mrs. Lion established is that every Monday and Thursday I remind her it’s punishment day. I have to do that before 8:30PM. Neglecting to remind her is a punishable offense.

Until very recently, punishment was a rather mild spanking. In the last few weeks, things changed. We made the not-so-amazing discovery that spankings are supposed to be painful. That may sound silly, but neither of us seriously considered that the entire purpose of a spanking is to inflict as much pain as possible without lasting injury. Once we discussed this, Mrs. Lion agreed to turn up the volume.

She’s been gradually increasing both the force and number of swats when she spanks me. Monday night’s punishment was very painful. It hurt enough to upset me when it was done. I really hated how much it hurt. Mrs. Lion kept her distance. She is reluctant to intrude if I don’t appear willing to accept her touches. She was right. I was pouting.

We did an email exchange about this yesterday. I realized that upset or not, some comforting is in order after a punishment. After all, the punishment absolves me, so affection is in order. The affection after a punishment isn’t, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Oh no, it’s, “Don’t you feel better now that’s it’s done and you have learned your lesson?”

We are still learning. As time goes on, my reviews of discipline becomes less and less welcome. That’s as it should be. But now, Mrs. Lion needs to hear from me; not at the time I am being spanked, but later after I am calm and objective. I absolutely hate how a real spanking feels. I’m supposed to. At the time, I am really angry at myself for providing feedback that causes me more pain. I’m not a masochist.

The reason I do ask for more is to let Mrs. Lion know she hasn’t reached a limit yet. This is tricky when it comes to discipline. Anything that doesn’t cause long term injury is technically in bounds for punishment. But that’s way too broad to be useful for the disciplinarian. Some people believe a spanking should bring the person being punished to tears. I know Mrs. Lion doesn’t agree with that.

She depends on my feedback to help her understand my reactions to her spankings; so far her only punishment. If you would have asked me on Monday night, I would have told you that I was too severely punished. The reason isn’t that the pain was intolerable, but more I wasn’t interested in being spanked. Interested in being spanked? That goes back to the BDSM “submissive” who only wants to be made to do what he wants to do. I want a spanking to hurt; but only enough to fulfill my fantasy.

I know that won’t work in a disciplinary environment. Twelve hours after the spanking I can be a more objective observer. So, on Tuesday when discussion of the punishment came up, I commented that I didn’t feel it the next day. It’s entirely possible that I will never feel a spanking the next day, but I doubt it. Is this the standard to test for the proper severity of my spanking? Given what I’ve read, it may not ultimately be the best test, but I think it’s a sensible indicator to help us get our bearings in the world of domestic discipline.

The way I think about it, as Mrs. Lion’s spankings become more and more painful, I am less likely to say anything to make them worse. That makes sense to me, at least. But, I can be depended on to accurately report if it hurts to sit the next day. So, to help us better understand punishment, it’s good first step to figure out how much is memorable.

The next, and most important test is how well I learn from the punishment. For example, in a week or two if I forget once again to remind Mrs. Lion it is punishment day, clearly I didn’t learn anything from my last conversation with her paddle. The only sensible correction is to make the next punishment more memorable.

Now, we depart from the area where I provide feedback. My behavior determines the unpleasantness of the correction. As Mrs. Lion likes to tell me, I control whether or not I get punished. I also control how severe she has to be to help me remember my lessons.