One of my biggest challenges when we adopted enforced chastity, FLR, and domestic discipline was to get a practical view of how these things can fit into our lives. Neither of us considered the idea of acting out in a role-playing exercise the plentiful fantasies that abound on the Web. I’ve read a lot of blogs that recount the adventures of people who try to live out these fantasies. Of course there is no way to know how much of what they report is fantasy too. But still, it’s fun to read.
Common sense is good to apply when reading blogs. As I read, I think about how it would be if Mrs. Lion and I tried to do the things described. For example, one blogger writes of weekly day-long sessions wearing a butt plug. I know it’s possible to retain a plug for many hours, but in my experience, wearing one gets uncomfortable after two to three hours. I don’t know how I would manage a day at work dealing with a plug up my ass.
Of course that’s just me. Other guys might find the sensations so pleasurable that they never want to remove their anal visitors. But I don’t want to experience that. Others have elaborate routines and rituals. They change how they address one another. Mrs. Lion doesn’t want to be called “mistress.” I don’t want to do it.
One of the best things about our relationship is the easy communication we share. Adding artificial D/S artifacts would damage that. It’s not worth it to us. The biggest, most important thing about our marriage is the easy, peaceful way we get along. Anything we add to this relationship has to pass the important test of not interfering with what we have already.
Enforced chastity adds opportunities to laugh and to be more sexual with one another. It doesn’t force any rituals or artifacts that interrupt the flow between us. That’s why we decided to keep it up after only a few months.
Domestic discipline is another story. This practice required some changes that felt unnatural to us. Neither of us belongs to a family where spanking and other physical punishment was practiced. So adding domestic discipline required us to do two new things: First, Mrs. Lion had to look at me more critically as a disciplinarian. My bad behavior wasn’t to be accepted. It was to be corrected. Second, and even more difficult, she had to learn to actually punish me.
We had no frame of reference for this. We had to create some “rules” that I would break fairly often. That way, Mrs. Lion could learn to punish me, not just do BDSM play spanking. It took months and a lot of this “ptactice” to reach the point that punishment is now severe enough to deter me from repeating the offending behavior.
When Mrs. Lion tells me to roll over to get whomped, I am not happy. I know that I am about to experience a lot of pain. She understands that her role requires her to really hurt me. She can understand when a punishment is severe enough when she sees I don’t repeat the offense for some time. If I make the same mistake again, she will turn up the volume.
She doesn’t like hurting me. I don’t want to be hurt. This activity is truly counterintuitive. We have discussed our progress. Mrs. Lion has decided we should keep our disciplinary relationship going. I see some positive progress as a result of domestic discipline. Mrs. Lion is much more willing to let me know if I upset her. I have a very strong incentive not to upset her in that way again. We are becoming better partners.
I expect that we have found enough value in the practice to add it to our lifestyle. But the votes aren’t all in. We haven’t reached the point that I have no input into whether or not we continue. I have no input into enforced chastity. It’s probably only a matter of time until the same will be true of domestic discipline.
Unlike the fantasies, I do get a vote up to a point;. My right to strongly advocate a change disappears when we both agree that what we are doing is here to stay. We have a talk and when the time is right we either make the practice permanent or we drop it. I think that is how you introduce kink using common sense.
What part of consensual don’t you understand?
Your post suggested that at some point you would have no ability to discontinue the practice. Jeff may have been referring to the fact that in those states that accept consent as a defense to an assault charge, you can not lose the right to withdraw consent.
In many states, however, you cannot consent to an assault, especially of the type you describe (e.g., Massachusetts). So, consent is legally irrelevant.
It’s moot because you’re not about to call the cops. I’m just addressing what Jeff may have been getting at.
This topic comes up every few years in the leather community. Even in Mass., there are no convictions for consensual “assault”. My loss of choice isn’t absolute. It’s obvious that I can refuse to be punished. I am bigger and stronger than Mrs. Lion. There is a big difference between not wanting a spanking and refusing one.
My loss of choice is my agreement that I will accept Mrs. Lion’s discipline and authority. Of course I can stop it any time I want. I don’t because I believe that in the long run it’s better for our marriage to honor my promise. So, whether I want one or not, I presently bare butt to my lioness for a spanking.
People like Jeff wander into our community from time to time. I find it amusing to let them rant for a while. But this blog isn’t for rehashing the justification of what we do.
I believe there was one conviction involving the use of a riding crop that led to the key Mass. Supreme Court decision about consent. I loved there for 3 years and attended a lot of BDSM events and people frequently brought up the topic.
I lived in Boston for 2 years while I was in college. Discussion on this topic came up frequently in New York too.
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