What’s So Hard About Enforced Chastity?

It’s no secret that the vast majority of couples who try enforced chastity give it up a short time after starting. I suspect that a large number of those who quit are guys who find the inconvenience and discomfort a bad fitting device too much. It seems to me that another large portion are women who just can’t get into locking up their men.

I suspect that almost every woman who agrees to be her partner’s keyholder has issues with the power exchange enforced chastity represents. From my male perspective, having my penis locked up is a very sexy form of bondage. The cage forces me to wait until my keyholder decides I can ejaculate. Even after nearly three years in a cage, that idea is still hot to me.

The problem is that from a keyholder’s perspective, enforced chastity is not entirely about sex. It’s about power; possibly unwanted power. The key to the cage carries the weight of her male’s most intense pleasure. He expects her to use this power for more than sexual release.

A lot of guys say that all they want is the delayed ejaculation. I don’t believe that’s true. When we give up control of our penises, we are asking for far more than sexual control. Look at the fantasies. They all tell stories of men who, once locked up, become docile, obedient servants for their keyholders. Often the fantasies include punishments for bad behavior. These punishments include making the caged male wait longer for release. The key to the cage is power for the keyholder.

I doubt that many guys discuss this when they ask their partners to lock them up. They probably don’t realize the implications of their request when they make it. But it’s there just the same. It doesn’t take long for the keyholder to realize that this “game” is much more than scheduling their partners’ orgasms.

This realization is difficult for many women. Mrs. Lion never wanted to be the dominant partner in our marriage. She didn’t expect to control my behavior in any way. Instead, she accepted me and avoided any situation when she was unhappy with what I did. I don’t think this is unusual. It’s called “keeping the peace.”

Enforced chastity changes all that; at least it can. The problem is that when things started there was no expectation that the keyholder would become a maternal authority figure in the marriage. But that’s exactly what holding that key implies. The keyholder controls her man’s favorite toy. He wants her to withhold his pleasure until she feels he deserves to have it. Sounds like female authority to me.

With Mrs.Lion and I, as time went by it became clear that enforced chastity was the doorway into a female led relationship. Sexual control provided the path to a much wider power exchange. I’m not saying that this is inevitable for every couple who embarks on this adventure, but it is certainly a strong possibility.

Sexual control is, well, control. The only way enforced chastity isn’t a power exchange is when the male doesn’t care if he gets to have orgasms. That’s not too likely. If this power exchange isn’t discussed, or at least seriously considered by the keyholder, things can go wrong. The man can start feeling resentful without understanding why. His keyholder pulls back and does the very least she can in order to “keep him happy” with enforced chastity.

If, on the other hand, both partners discuss the power exchange and agree on how it should function, enforced chastity becomes a positive factor in their relationship. That’s what happened with us. At first it was a tool to assure that we were sexual with each other. It returned physical intimacy to our marriage.

At the same time the balance of power was shifting in our marriage. This shift wasn’t very welcome for Mrs. Lion. She doesn’t like to be in charge. She actively avoids situations where she is the boss. I’m the opposite. I am almost always the leader.

As we continued with enforced chastity, I found a sense of security and peace as I experienced Mrs. Lion’s control. She, on the other hand, wasn’t very happy with her new role. Over time she has become more comfortable and at least accepts that she is in charge. We both have to work actively to reinforce her authority and my obedience. It isn’t easy.

We do it because this change has a lot of value to both of us. I’ll discuss that in a future post. The point is that enforced chastity works for us because we communicated as we became aware of the implications of her sexual control. We’re moving beyond that now. Progress is slow and often difficult.

What’s so hard about enforced chastity? It isn’t the chastity device. It’s the serious power exchange that wearing one represents. Is it worth it for you? Good question.


  1. Author

    Well said! I think the fact of the chastity itself can also boost the keyholders confidence in her power.

  2. Author

    I definitely find enforced chastity to be a kink that doesn’t seem to get old – I still find being locked up as hot as ever. Relatively recently, I asked my wife to keep me locked up all the time, instead of the on-again / off-again play that it’s been for the past several years. She replied that it felt like a big responsibility to her, but that she’d see how it went.

    She seems to be doing all right at the task. At this point, I’ve been locked up for a bit more than three weeks, including after a really fun evening when we had VIP tickets to a Joan Baez concert (yes, I know – we’re not exactly spring chickens) and an overnight hotel. Seemed like a great “date” to me, and I had the rewarding experience of giving her a truly spectacular orgasm in the hotel, but I stayed locked.

    I’ve been on two plane flights since then (work is quite heavy right now), and had to deal with various levels of TSA involvement because of the decidedly not metal-detector-invisible Lori tube. Because my work stay was extended, it appears that I’ll be locked until Thanksgiving – four weeks – assuming that my wife deigns to unlock me even then…

    I’ve been trying to emphasize to her that it’s her choice when to release me, and she understands that intellectually. She’s been in the BDSM scene for a long time, and as a bottom who enjoys flogging and caning, she’s very familiar with the phenomenon of wanting something that seems like a Bad Idea. However, as with Mrs. Lion, it’s not what she originally wanted in our relationship. At this point though, she accepts it as just part of “us”. A recent text from her: “What do you think of your creation now, Dr. Frankenstein?”

    I definitely find myself wanting to please her more after being locked up for a while, and I guess that’s submissive behavior. However, neither of us believe that we want a female-led relationship, and even now after an extended lock-up, I still don’t feel submissive to her; “chivalrous” describes the feeling better for me. Apparently unlike most men, I don’t feel a strong drive to advance further into submission and female leadership. But that chastity kink is certainly a strong one! I also find a strange comfort in being locked up.

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