Most of us agree that enforced chastity is a consensual, sexual power exchange between a man and his keyholder. I suggest that this power exchange when it is between a man and a woman is actually a profound change in the order of things.
I’ve been reading a lot of stuff, written by women rationalizing sexual dominance that claim women are designed for very frequent orgasm while males “need” to be prevented from coming more than once every week or two. The rationale is usually that 1. Women can have multiple orgasms, and 2. Men get lazy and unresponsive after they come. Neither of those concepts, if they are true, are reasons for anything. They are, at best, descriptions of behavior.
When we look through the lens of procreation, only males need to have orgasms since that is the mechanism that accompanies ejaculation, which fertilizes the egg. There is evidence that the more aroused the woman is, the more likely the sperm will hit the target. But it’s not a precondition to fertilization.
To this day, many women are “trained” that if a male they are with is aroused and they are part of the arousal process, then the male should ejaculate. According to our western training, men should always come as a part of sex. Girls learn to masturbate males as a way of keeping sexual contact short of intercourse. My point is that guys expect to ejaculate if they are in a sexual situation. They get upset if that isn’t the result.
This is all part of our paternalistic society. It’s long been an issue with the feminist movement that a woman’s orgasm is often forgotten as part of sex. Social issues aside, it’s hard to disagree that men, in general, see ejaculation as an inevitable part of sex. I’m not so sure that guys see that as a symbol that they are superior to women, but there is no question that cultural stereotypes govern the way boys and girls are conditioned growing up.
All this is leading up to what makes enforced chastity a profound power exchange. I don’t think there are many guys who ever imagine having sex without ejaculation. Those of us who discovered enforced chastity, well at least me, found the idea of postponing ejaculation extremely hot. I didn’t think very much about the more significant idea that I would learn to have sex without any expectation of ejaculation.
Wearing a chastity device and being edged will, over time, condition a male to stop associating sexual activity with his own orgasm. It’s not that the desire to come disappears, but the connection between arousal, erection and sexual activity always ending with ejaculation grows very weak. After nearly three years of enforced chastity, I truly don’t associate any sexual activity Mrs. Lion wants with the happy endings of yore.
Enforced chastity hasn’t turned out the way I imagined it in the beginning. I saw myself suffering as I was forced to wait for the orgasm I so desperately wanted. Ever second of time I was kept away from that ejaculation I was an unwilling victim. Ok, that’s the bondage fantasy anyway. But if we are honest with ourselves, we guys like that story line. One day I woke up and realized that just because Mrs. Lion was jerking me off, there was absolutely no assurance I would get a happy ending In fact, unless the orgasm is scheduled, I’m actually surprised when I get one.
Let’s take that one level deeper. This loss of sexual entitlement opens the door for female control of sex and other things. We gave our keyholders the right to own our orgasms. That was a really hot idea in the beginning. But when they own our orgasms, they also have direct authority over a key part of our lives: sex. It isn’t a big leap for either the male or female to start transferring other power to her as well.
I’m starting to believe that FLR is the next logical step in the course of sexual surrender. Frankly, it feels completely natural to me. I know that Mrs. Lion isn’t quite there yet. But to me, it makes perfect sense that if she owns my sexual satisfaction, she is assuming a dominant role in our relationship. Ok, here’s the controversial part. I don’t think there is any way a couple who is practicing enforced chastity for any length of time doesn’t find the female partner assuming more and more control over other parts of life. What do you think?
I suppose I can really only comment on my own relationship and so what you say may well be true for the Lion family.
My wife and I are both oldest siblings in our respective families and so we are both take charge types. We each take leadership roles in our areas of strength and generally we both accept those leadership roles in the other.
My wife would never accept that our relationship is a FLM, but neither is it male led. However, I would say that the way we conduct the sexual part of our relationship does make me more susceptible to being influenced by my wife.
John Gottman, the marriage guru, says that because women are generally more emotionally intelligent (read relationship smarts) than men, marriages work better when husbands allow their wives to influence them. I don’t think this is the same thing as a female led marriage but I suppose it does move the power dynamic a little in the direction of the wife.
I do think it is possible to practice Tease and Denial of the husband without him becoming submissive. The way we do it is to view the penis as a third entity in the marriage and my wife and I gang up on it to give it the hardest possible time (pun intended). I know, it sounds crazy, but as a team, we both have a lot of fun “disciplining” it. Now we only practice T&D 10 days a month, so perhaps if I were more strictly controlled, I would become more submissive.
Well there we are! Just a few thoughts. I greatly enjoy the writings of Lion and Lioness and I wish you well on your journey.
As I’ve mentioned before, the relationship my wife and I have is not a female-led one, nor do we plan on that happening. We seem to be quite happy with me in chastity most of the time (nearly all now, it seems), and tying her up and doing various thwacky things to her. All good clean fun.
That said, the frequently-vaunted effect of male chastity causing the man to desire to serve the woman, in various ways (the typical example is doing the dishes more) does seem to have basis in both science and in my own experience. I find that after a couple of weeks being denied and orgasm, I become much more enthusiastic about previously irritating task. For example, our dog occasionally decides that he needs to go out in the middle of the night (not often, fortunately). Normally, although I might be willing to get up to let him out – without grumbling – I wouldn’t be happy about it. However, presently I’m going on my fourth week of being locked, and now I find myself almost eager to do the task.
My mental process is definitely not “If I please her, maybe she’ll let me cum”. Rather, I want to do it to avoid the bother for her, and hopefully to avoid even disturbing her sleep. My hope is that she’ll be pleased with me, and that alone – rather than an orgasm – has become its own reward.
If this doesn’t sound like a submissive mind-set, I don’t know what does. So perhaps you’re right about this, Lion; perhaps there is some inevitability to the progression from chastity and orgasm control to transfer of other power to the female. This is very interesting to me, because female domination beyond chastity and orgasm denial play has never been a fantasy of mine, and yet I find myself starting to head down that path.
A couple of slightly related notes:
– My penis is trying to erect while writing this – maybe the effect is even more pronounced than I thought…
– My wife started a garage band a while back, with a few of her friends (she plays drums, I play keyboards). After a few discarded choices, the name she settled on was “Friends Like Mine”. More often, though, we refer to it by its acronym: “FLM”. 🙂
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