Based on our posts over the past few days, you might think we have no idea what we’re doing. I think you’re correct. At least I have no idea what I’m doing. When I tell Lion I don’t know what I should be doing, he tells me there is nothing I “should” be doing. I can do whatever I think is best. Ohhhh…well that makes it all crystal clear. Not.

I know he shouldn’t be telling me what to do. I know many people think I shouldn’t even be listening to his suggestions. But the thing is, with the troubles lately, I do need his help. I can’t know how he’s feeling. I can’t just charge through like nothing else is happening. For one thing, it wouldn’t work. And it would annoy Lion if I insisted on trying to get him hard when he’s not in the mood. Too much stimulation doesn’t feel good.

An internet domme might say it shouldn’t matter. Who cares if he doesn’t want to play? Who cares if he can’t get hard? I’ll whip him until he complies. Uh huh. OK. You do that. I won’t. I care about Lion. I want to know when something is wrong. How else can we fix it? Even if it’s an outside thing like a job, I need to try to make him feel better. That’s my job.

Despite his post saying we just need to soldier on, I’m thinking I’ll leave things the way I said in my post. I’ll unlock him nightly and we’ll go from there. If he’s looking for play, he can tell me. If I’m looking for play, I’ll ask him if he’s ready for it. This is a lifestyle. It’s long term. We both understand there will be speed bumps along the way. We can make it past them.

My job search continues. A new opportunity has presented itself and I am wending my way through interviews with that. That’s two active prospects. I feel good about this progress. Mrs. Lion and 2.0 have both been great about understanding how my libido is being affected by all this uncertainty. Ironically, at work I am very good at managing ambiguity. The key to managing ambiguous situations is to look at the best and worst possibilities, then try to minimize the worst and influence things toward the best.

I can’t do that with enforced chastity or FLR. I’m not supposed to influence that. I know. I know. I often influence Mrs. Lion, but I know I shouldn’t. She’s been getting much better about disregarding my “help”.  I’m afraid I’ve caused a setback. My feeling down and resistant to her attempts at play, have dented her confidence.

We’ve talked about the post I wrote yesterday. She wanted to know what I wanted to suspend in our relationship. I suggested that while things were difficult for me that perhaps she should see how I feel before starting play. It’s a good idea on one level. It does give me a little space. But the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that I made a mistake. Which, after all is worse, is it allowing me to pull back from play and edging, or making Mrs. Lion question whether or not she is doing the right thing?

I was wrong. I may not be in the mood for clothespins on my balls or velcro around my penis, but that is no reason for her not to use them on me. It isn’t, after all, for my amusement. Ultimately, I will feel better living with a confident lioness than handling some sensation she wants to inflict. She is very concerned about how I feel about what she does to and for me. I appreciate that. Maybe if things are to get toned down, it’s her decision to make without my input.

We fly blind through this power exchange. What feels right on one day, seems to be a mistake the next. Mrs. Lion has very good judgement. I trust her. She is almost always right.

Lion and I are attempting to correct our recent miscommunications. Since he isn’t feeling very frisky in general, I will ask if he feels like playing before I just descend upon him with a butt plug or other toy. If he feels frisky, he will ask if we can play. Regardless of his friskiness, I’ll unlock him every night and we’ll snuggle. This will allow me to check for any sores or other issues with the cage. Frequent unlocking will help keep him centered in the cage so peeing is less problematic. And, as I told him last night, I can feel him up while we’re snuggling if the cage isn’t in the way. He liked that part.

The idea of asking if he wants to play seems to fly in the face of FLR. Shouldn’t I be the one who decides when we’ll play? I guess, but when you hit a rough patch you have to adjust. My job right now, and I think 2.0 agrees, is to support Lion. Although I said yesterday that 2.0 should just do whatever she wants, it’s not practical. I can’t make Lion be frisky. I can help him get frisky if he’s on the fence about it. Most of all, I can be there for him no matter what. I’m less concerned with his being broken than he is. I know it’s situational. It rarely lasts long. If he’s worried, he probably won’t be frisky. If I can get his mind off of being worried, he may be frisky. If he’s excited about his job prospects, he may be frisky. I won’t put any pressure on him one way or the other.

None of this changes the fact that Lion’s naughty bits are still locked up. I’m still the only one who can get at him. He does have his emergency key, but he still has to prove he had an emergency in order to use it. Enforced chastity is still humming right along. FLR is too. The rules are in force. He can still be punished for his transgressions. I have final say on what we do or don’t do. Everything is in place that was in place a few weeks ago. The only change is less play and that’s not part of enforced chastity or FLR. Oh, and probably less edging since Lion isn’t as frisky.

This too shall pass. The one thing that won’t pass is how much we love each other. That’s definitely a constant in anything that may happen.

Things are a bit out of sync with us. Mrs. Lion believes it is rooted in the anxiety of another job search for me. I had been working on a contract position that ended last Friday. It was no surprise and I have been doing a job search for a few weeks. I am usually fairly calm about this process, at least in the beginning before money gets terribly tight. But this time I keep thinking about the seven months it took to get my last gig. I don’t want to face that again. To make things more difficult, I am in the process of interviews for a full time position I really want. The company is famous for its long, tortuous hiring process. To date I have had a screening interview with the recruiter, a phone interview with the hiring manager, and an in person meeting with him. Yesterday, I had two video interviews with another on Friday. I learned yesterday afternoon that the hiring manager wants to meet again. I expect he wants to confirm my knowledge of something that I was asked about during the video interviews yesterday.

I have no idea how many people are going through this process. I assume there aren’t many since these interviews eat up a lot of time for the interviewers. If I am the only candidate, then I just have to appear qualified for the interviewers. The fact that the hiring manager put me through means he wants me on his team. I like the odds with that. However, if there are other candidates, then I have to be the best with all of the interviewers. That’s a much higher bar. All this uncertainty is what makes things so scary for me. Needless to say, I am distracted and worried by all this. I find myself easily annoyed. The last thing I am thinking about is BDSM play. That explains why I am less than enthusiastic when Mrs. Lion gets the toys out.

This brings up an issue that eventually confronts everybody who has added a power exchange to their relationships. What do you do when life intrudes? Some people say we should just push on and continue with play as usual. I’m not sure I agree. In our case, there are several areas of activity. At the base is our female led relationship. I believe that nothing should suspend that. Mrs. Lion remains in charge regardless of the lemons life might throw us. I can’t think of any reason why we would ever suspend it.

Next is enforced chastity. This is actually two things: orgasm control and wearing a chastity device. I can’t think of a good reason to suspend the orgasm control. If things are bad, I won’t be interested in sex, but there is no harm in Mrs. Lion deciding to tease me or make me come. The chastity device, on the other hand, could get in the way. I can see not wearing it if there is a good reason. Last and certainly least is BDSM. These activities are really for my benefit. While it might be fun for 2.0 to torture me, the reality is that these kinks turn me on far more than Mrs. Lion. These activities are easily suspended if the situation warrants.

When life intrudes, things may have to change. But what changes should be a decision, not the result of negative energy. It isn’t easy, but it is critical for us to maintain our agreed power exchange. Mrs. Lion is in charge. She decides if and when I get sexual attention. I have some input there. The point is that I trust her enough to give her power over me. Just because things are upsetting doesn’t revoke that trust. She may have to be stronger and I may have to take a deep breath and remember who is in charge.