Mailbag: Betrayal

What happens when he doesn’t stick to his enforced chastity agreement? One reader doesn’t know what to do.

A few weeks after rules were established I woke up to find toys and lube
left out. I confronted him and he informed me he had watched porn and used a
plug during a late night study break after i had fallen asleep. He did not
unlock himself or cum.

He was apologetic, he earned spankings and had to show me he could stick to
the rules before we engaged in edging or direct play again. We discussed
extra measure to eliminate temptations; locks for porn on his phone, lock
box for toys. He indicated that it was unecessary and promised to not do it
again. I agreed thinking he was just getting used to the rules.

Then tonight, weeks later, I was asleep when he got home from class. After
waking up to pee, I check out tumblr and see that he recently reblogged
porn. Then coming back to bed I notice toys and lube out on his side and his
cage off. I woke him up to ask for clarification and he told me he
masterbated after taking off his cage that had started hurting (We are
testing out different sized rings so that could be valid). I am beyond hurt.
Trust and respect are vitally important to me and I feel almost betrayed. I
am questioning our enforced chastity relationship.

He was the one that enthusiastically suggested it. He agreed fully to our
rules in negotiations. I have been finding such fulfillment in my role being
able to script our sexual encounters soley on my terms without the burden of
guilt I have inflicted on myself for years. And now i just don’t know…

I dont know how to practically punish him without getting too emotional.
Locking the toys and porn away makes me feel like i am disciplining a child
not a grown man who should have respect for me and our relationship.
Physical punishment is a possibility but we have been using impact in
stimulating ways recently so it would feel less like punishment at this

Any advice you have would be wonderful!

If the only issue was his disobedience, it would be easy to suggest a way to correct it: unlock him and stop playing. But that’s not the case here. He may have suggested FLR and enforced chastity because they represent a hot fantasy he would like to live. But you agreed because it provides a possible solution for the guilt you have been feeling as well as freeing you to take the control you want. It appears that you don’t want to give it up. Let’s consider your options.

Since FLR and enforced chastity are consensual, the first step is to get him to confirm he wants you to be in charge. Sit down at the table and explain that you are hurt because he has disregarded his agreement. Ask him if he wants to continue with enforced chastity and FLR. If he agrees, explain that what he did goes beyond just breaking a rule. It’s a betrayal of your trust. Make sure he knows you are serious. Get him to acknowledge that he hurt you.

That’s the adult part of this transaction. While it may feel unnatural, you are very much the parent in this case. He has acted like a child and needs to be treated as one. Explain that to him as well. Your instincts are good. Lock up his toys permanently. You are the only one who should use them on him. They are yours. Feel free to block his access to porn. Do you think he should be watching porn? If you don’t, take it away; again, permanently. Things have to change. Right?

Mrs. Lion and I enjoy impact play. Even so, she uses spanking to punish me. A punishment spanking is nothing like our play. She uses a very painful paddle and hits full strength right from the start. I don’t mistake her swats for play. Punishment is probably the most difficult aspect of all this. It has taken Mrs. Lion a long time to get to the point she is OK really hurting me. Even so, she often goes easy.

I agree that his behavior is a betrayal of your trust. But you should consider that he has to learn how to behave the way you expect. It takes quite a while for him to be conditioned to deal with the loss of sexual freedom. So, locking him up with no edging or play is probably not the best idea for a punishment. For him to “learn” to fully surrender sexually, he needs time. Reasonably frequent orgasms and very frequent teasing are needed to get him started. After a few months, reduce the orgasms to one every week or two. This has nothing to do with his behavior. Sexual punishment is probably better reserved for later.

He needs to understand that he hurt you. As his disciplining partner, it is your obligation to make a strong point. Spanking is a good start, but since this is such a serious offense  you may want to consider more. Maybe take away his Internet access for a couple of weeks. Take away something he really likes, except sex (for now). He has to learn how seriously you take masturbation. Mrs. Lion has made it clear to me that jerking off is almost as serious as cheating with another woman. If that’s how you feel, then your punishment has to hurt him the way he hurt you. After he does his penance, be sure to let him know he is forgiven.

There is one more thing you might want to consider: You are in charge. His behavior is your responsibility. It is your responsibility to correct him. If he agrees that you are in charge, you don’t need his permission to enforce any rule you choose to make. If he is so immature that he can’t control himself, then it’s your job to help him learn how. Can you do it?