One of the most significant challenges we have faced in trying to incorporate enforced chastity and Female Led Marriage (FLM) is the lack of community. There are relatively few blogs that consistently talk about real life FLM and enforced chastity. The number covering enforced chastity far exceeds blogs discussing FLM (FLR) in real relationships. We’ve managed to add enforced chastity to our marriage completely enough to assure that it is a permanent part of our relationship. We haven’t been close to successful with FLM.
Yesterday, Rhiannon posted a very interesting take on her FLM. Her blog, Learning and Living a FLR is a well written journal of a real life female led relationship. Yesterday’s post brought up some very interesting points that gave me some new insights into FLM. She talked very frankly about her difficulties with consistency and follow through in her role as head of household. The issues she brought up correspond closely with our experiences.
Her analysis made me realize that my suggestion we attempt FLM and subsequent conversations about what it meant to me set up an impossible situation. Paraphrasing Rhiannon, to be effective as the leader you have to make decisions, have concrete expectations of your partner, and provide real consequences for not meeting those expectations. All of those elements are necessary for FLM to work.
What isn’t necessary in my opinion is that the female partner take total ownership of all relationship decisions. The ideal may be to do that, but in a real life situation it is highly unlikely that will happen. I didn’t realize that when we started out. I think that leadership grows one expectation at a time. So, even in our marriage where Mrs. Lion is challenged finding things for me to do, it is possible to take baby steps as a leader. She and I agreed we would proceed that way.
Fair enough. Rhiannon outlines just what this means and why I think Mrs. Lion and I are struggling a bit. To be effective as a leader in a power exchange with a male who wants to surrender to his partner, you have to realize he needs very clear structure. Rhiannon brought this into sharp focus. I need to know exactly what is expected, when I am to do it, and understand the consequences for not meeting the expectation. That’s the first part. I’ll get to the more-important second part in a bit. The way I communicated with Mrs. Lion led her to believe I want to be punished. That misunderstanding moved the focus away from the reason punishment is important. What I was trying to say is that I need consequences. I need to know what they are and they have to be significant enough to motivate me. Mrs. Lion’s spankings are definitely significant enough.
The more important part of the equation was explained very well in Rhiannon’s post:
“If you are going to lead your husband, you need to be clear. The whole point of this is to acknowledge the shift in authority, not just do it through passive ways like in a more egalitarian relationship. So saying what you want and meaning it, as well as following through, squarely fall on the shoulders of the female leader. That means if I want the table fixed by a specific date, I have told him. If he does not, there is a consequence. This is the ideal way of handling things, and that it is the same for every task, every day.”
” It is not how I want to run my house because he deserves to know what I want, when I want it and how I want it with some consistency. He also needs, as I think most submissive men do, the assurance of knowing there is a consequence if it is not done. That is what makes this type of relationship beautifully simple–he does not have to think about why, whether it makes sense or how to do it. He knows what is expected, to do it and what will happen if he does not. “
That’s what I wasn’t able to articulate when I asked for discipline. She goes on to discuss her side of the bargain:
“As a leader, one of the most important jobs is to realistically assess what is needed and what is important. We have to set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently, and be in touch enough with our own plan/requirements to know what is important and what can be let go. But, this too, has to be communicated from the start”
I think this is difficult for Mrs. Lion. I believe that the community Rhiannon seeks is also what we need. I know my lioness isn’t very big on socializing. She is an introspective person. But I believe that she and Rhiannon share similar feelings. An ongoing conversation with others working toward this goal can’t do anything but help us. I shouldn’t be the only source of feedback on how to pursue FLM, or at least, our version of it. I try to be objective and not just promote my fantasies. I try to use my experience as the dominant partner in D/S relationships to provide help.
The problem with that is Mrs. Lion looks to me for advice about how to be dominant with me. There has to be a point where she may want my input but is proceeding on her own with help from other women working through the same issues. Mrs. Lion has expressed exactly the same frustrations as Rhiannon. We go through periods where we don’t even try. I think that Rhiannon’s goals are exactly on target, but realistically I doubt our relationship will ever attain it. There are times when I need to lead. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be spending the rest of the time building the consistent FLM that we want.