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In: Mrs Lion Comments

My libido has been missing in action for a long time. When Lion talks about how long it’s been since he masturbated, you can probably add six months, at least, and that’s how long it’s been for me. I’ve been mostly unconcerned about it. To me, it’s just one more thing to worry about. And worry Lion does. He wonders why he doesn’t turn me on anymore. And he worries that if he doesn’t turn me on there may be someone else who does. There is no one else. Deep down he knows that, but sometimes it seems that no amount of reassurance helps. If my lack of libido doesn’t bother me, why does it bother him so much?

Last night I was thinking about his question of why I like it when he’s horny. I said it was because it’s a response he only has for me. And then I had my aha moment. Wouldn’t it be the same for me? Why am I not having that response for him? So now I understand a little better why it bothers him so much. So now I guess I have to worry about it more myself.

Of course, we still have the number one priority of getting Lion a job and getting the finances back on track. That has to take precedence over everything else. Once that is under control I can attack whatever my issues are. Doctor appointments, tests, nutritional supplements, etc. I’m not looking forward to any of it, but I owe it to Lion. He does so much for me.

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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal, Punishment, Spanking

As you probably know, Mrs. Lion and I are fledgeling practitioners of Female Led Marriage (FLM) which in our case includes Domestic Discipline (DD). I’ve been confused by the difference between FLM and DD as it applies to me. DD talks about one partner being disciplined (not BDSM) by the dominant partner. A DD relationship can have the male as dominant. FLM always has the woman in charge. I think that the ability to enforce authority is required in FLM. Logically, that means rewards and punishments. The punishment part is, by definition, domestic discipline.

Some FLM relationships rarely if ever need punishment. These relationships allocate major decision making to the female partner. Her partner recognizes and accepts this. There is no behavioral modification or sexual control required. I guess those are vanilla FLM. Mrs. Lion and I practice enforced chastity (orgasm control) as part of FLM. She also uses punishment to enforce her wishes. Her punishment of choice is spanking. Rewards for me are often sexual attention.

FLM isn’t natural for either of us. Mrs. Lion traditionally goes along with things and doesn’t express her wishes, much less enforcing her will. I have generally been in charge of everything professionally and at home. Why we decided on this role switch is another conversation. The fact is we have.  In order to bring this switch to life requires structure to force the changes we need to make. Without the structure we both agree we would lapse into prior, less-happy behaviors.

We started with enforced chastity. With me wearing a chastity device 24/7, there was no way to mistake Mrs. Lion’s role in my sex life. If she doesn’t provide it, I don’t get release. If she forgets this, rest assured I will remind her. I have to if I want to come. Our sexual power exchange has worked very well. We’ve both agreed I will be locked in a device permanently. I do get out, of course, for sexual teasing and the occasional orgasm. I also get out when we travel in our RV. But the device is locked on within four hours of arriving home. Even when not in the device, Mrs. Lion is still the only one who can provide me with sexual attention. I am not permitted to play with myself. I don’t. If I did, I know that I would be locked up with no orgasms for an extended time and I would get a long and painful spanking. Mrs. lion practices orgasm control over me. That never changes. She hasn’t let me masturbate in more than a year and a half.

We both feel that enforced chastity has done a lot for our marriage. We are much more physically intimate even if I don’t get to come very often. We both touch all the time. Mrs. Lion sexually teases me almost every night. I’m starting to forget that sex was ever different for me. I’m very happy with it.

The very structured format of our enforced chastity has assured we stuck with it and committed to continue forever. That is not something I take lightly. I’ve given up any sexual control for the rest of my life. For her part, Mrs. Lion owns it permanently.

FLM is more difficult for us to establish. There is no device that will prevent me from exercising control. Similarly, there is no physical way to “force” Mrs. Lion to take charge and enforce my submission to her. We aren’t too consistent yet. To help us, we have established two “Punishment” days (Monday and Thursday) and two “Maintenance Spanking” days (Tuesday and Friday) every week. The idea is that when Mrs. Lion observes an infraction, she can note it or tell me. Then, on the next punishment day, I get spanked for each offense. Maintenance spanking days require Mrs. Lion to spank me for no particular reason, just to “train” us to make spanking routine.

That’s more important than you might think. It is anything but natural for Mrs. Lion to take a paddle and spank hard enough to make each swat really hurt. She is fine with “play” spankings that build up and are designed to provide me with the erotic submission of BDSM. She sees that  I really like these. I don’t “like” them while she spanks me, but she sees how aroused she can get me a very short time after she finishes. Disciplinary spankings are supposed to turn me off and really hurt me. I need to fear them enough to unquestioningly obey her and religiously follow all her rules.

All this seems pretty simple and straightforward. But it is anything but that for us. Mrs. Lion struggles to make and enforce rules. If I do something to upset her, she is much more likely to deferentially talk to me about what upset her, or most often, simply let it go. Since, unlike enforced chastity, there is no device forcing me to remind her when she forgets, we easily revert to our pre-FLM behavior.

I’m not saying that we aren’t making any progress, but my butt should be a lot redder. That isn’t because I want more spanking. It’s because I can see Mrs. Lion letting a lot go. She doesn’t like to make waves, but our agreement to practice FLM has to encourage her to be much more assertive. Even when spanking me I can see she is more concerned with how much she is hurting me than how much I need to take to learn. If I upset her, she should certainly talk to me, but she should always use her paddle to let me know how she feels. Just like the chastity device keeps us on track with enforced chastity, her paddle can serve the same role for FLM.

Let’s face it, I don’t have a lot of behavioral issues that need correcting. I’m a pretty well adjusted male. But like enforced chastity, I had no sexual problems that required my penis to be locked up. However, the device forces us to sexually communicate in ways we stopped doing on our own. Much as I hate to say it, I think spanking is the chastity device of our FLM. Each time I am spanked without regard for how much it hurts, but for what is needed to teach me, FLM moves ahead. The more often these spankings occur, especially immediately after the offense, the more Mrs. Lion will build the habit of letting me know each and every time I do something she doesn’t like. Each time I interrupt, I need to feel her displeasure in no uncertain terms.

This may all seem synthetic to you. Certainly, a serious spanking isn’t objectively earned by interrupting. That’s not the point. The act of punishing me for causing any displeasure is designed to build new habits for both of us. Most importantly it helps Mrs. Lion master her new role. It also teaches me that I am not in control and have to submit to any punishment for any reason Mrs. Lion wishes.

I’ve talked exclusively about spanking. There are two reasons for this: Mrs.Lion has selected it as her go-to disciplinary tool. The other, perhaps more important reason is that unlike taking something away from me, it requires her to actively administer the discipline and learn to feel good about hurting me to make her point. That is very difficult for her. It’s not so easy for me either.

 

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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Mrs Lion Comments

Lion is funny. This morning I said I didn’t know why I was so tired. He said it’s because he doesn’t get enough sex. He was very horny last night and, although not quite desperate, really wanted to come. After we played I wanted some dessert and asked him if he wanted anything. He said he did want something but I wouldn’t give it to him. Poor boy. This morning, while I was waiting for the laptop to boot up, I checked the schedule to see when Lion’s next orgasm will be. Oops! Last night. He said, “I told you!” He said the least I could do is give him a rain check for tonight. Really? The least I can do? I don’t think so. The least I can do is not play with him at all.

He also wanted me to tie him down. We didn’t do it last night but I’m pretty sure we’ll do it tonight. And maybe I will give him that rain check. I’m usually very nice to Lion. I give him a lot more orgasms than I should according to other keyholders. I figure I’m the one in charge so I can do what I want. How often Lion gets an orgasm is entirely up to me.

Yesterday he asked me why I like it when he’s horny. That one stumped me. It’s a little like asking me why I love him. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He thinks it has to do with my starting to like the power I have. I don’t know. I think it has something to do with his being happy. He won’t be horny unless he’s happy. I think it has something to do with the knowledge that it’s me who made him that horny. Maybe that’s the power part. I just like to know that he reacts that way for me and only me. Is that really power or is that love? Whatever it is, I’m glad he’s horny.

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In: Female led relationship with discipline, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity, Punishment, Sex

I’ve been thinking about submission. Definitions aside, it isn’t a simple subject. I think that enforced chastity isn’t really about domination and submission. I think it is more a sexual game where the male is “it”. I haven’t run across any guys with this kink who don’t get turned on by surrendering sexual control. I think that many people confuse consensual sexual surrender with submission. I don’t think they are the same at all.

When I was a practicing top (dom to Internet folks), I occasionally switched and a female top would tie me down and make me a little sorry I let her. Since I came back for more time and time again, I wasn’t all that sorry. I managed to get hard and she, especially at play parties would give me a handjob for passersby to enjoy. It felt odd when people would later tell me that they enjoyed watching me come. Actually, it turned me on.

Enforced chastity has well defined limits. The male is under his keyholder’s orgasm control. He can only come when she allows it. Sometimes the game goes beyond that. The keyholder withholds release unless the male “behaves”. Again, it is part of the game. Some people refer to enforced chastity as a kink. It certainly is.  But I don’t think one has to be submissive to be locked up and have fun. If the male seriously objects to his wait, his keyholder will most likely release him.

Submission, on the other hand, is both a set of behaviors as well as a mental state. The submissive male wants to please his dominant. He is happy to give up his sexual pleasure to please her. Obedience is his goal. Praise from his dominant is better than sex for him. He is focused on his dominant in every way, not just sexual. Enforced chastity for a submissive male is an indulgence his dominant allows for his pleasure. She knows that sexual bondage is exciting to  him and locks him up to make him happy. It’s a game, just like it is for the male who isn’t submissive. His submission doesn’t depend on enforced chastity.

I don’t think I am submissive. The people I’ve topped over the years will agree with me. So what am I doing in a female led marriage (FLM)? Unlike enforced chastity, FLM isn’t consensual once the male surrenders. Actually, in most cases the male is very happy to turn control over to his wife. Consent isn’t really an issue. It’s what he needs. I think that most disciplined husbands are submissive at heart. They get a sense of security and fulfillment by submitting to their wives. Disciplinary wives are most comfortable when in control.

Mrs. Lion and I don’t fit either role as I described. I am very independent and willful; some have described me as stubborn. Mrs. Lion is easy going and is generally very happy to go along with what I want to do. Doesn’t fit the FLM model very well, does it? There’s more. Mrs. Lion, when unhappy with me or how things were going would withdraw into her computer games. She didn’t want to risk conflict. It’s hard to believe, but we manged to be inseparable despite this.

Both enforced chastity and FLM were my ideas. I get very turned on surrendering sexual control and I love to wear my cage. Mrs. Lion has been very kind about not letting me get too frustrated. I come more often than most caged males. That is very likely to change. More about that later. Mrs. Lion locked me up  because it makes me happy. However, that has slowly changed. Now she finds that she enjoys the sexual control and keeping me horny. We have lots of sexual contact. Most is non-orgasmic for me, but she pays a lot of attention to my penis that I love.

The reason I suggested FLM was that it seemed to me that because of enforced chastity,  Mrs. Lion has become far more assertive about sex and her libido has begun to show signs of life. So, I reasoned, if her authority was extended to all domestic decisions, maybe she wouldn’t withdraw when unhappy with me and, instead, let me know and require me to change. This too is slowly starting to happen.

I’m not worried she will become a heartless dictator. She loves me and wants me to be happy. I also thought I could “manage” any situation where she wanted me to do something I really didn’t want to do. In the beginning I could. She often accepts my “no,”or “I don’t want to do that.” But that seems to be changing too. Last weekend I was grumpy with a friend who didn’t deserve being growled at. It took her several hours, but Mrs. Lion finally confronted me in a very kind, gentle way. She let me know she was embarrassed by my behavior. The next morning she asked me to apologize. I agreed. Later she told me that if I refused, she would have. But I agreed to obey her.

The fact she brought it up is real progress. She also let me know that future growls would result in punishment. I’m on my best behavior. The way she handled it may seem a bit less than dominant, but remember she is coming from a completely different background where she withdrew and avoided any confrontation. Very very good progress I set of bethink. Remember when I mentioned that her attitude toward orgasm control has changed? She has found her own reasons to keep me waiting. She told me that she really likes me horny. I asked why. She said she didn’t know. I asked if I behave differently when horny. She said no. If it isn’t me, then it must be her. I suggested she is starting to like having the power. She said, “Maybe.” Progress!

What about me? Am I becoming submissive? It’s been suggested that I really am submissive. I don’t think so. I am becoming obedient. I am enjoying feeling Mrs. Lion’s control. Uh Oh! Isn’t that what I said submissives do? For now I think of myself as a well-behaved lion. I’m not submissive; oh no, not me.