For whatever reason, Sunday night has always been a rough night for me as far as sleeping is concerned. I’m thinking about everything that needs to be done in the coming week and what didn’t get done in the previous week. My mind won’t shut off. Last night I was thinking about Lion.
I’m afraid I’m disappointing him. I don’t make new rules. I don’t punish him when he breaks the rules I’ve already made. I’m not consistent with training. The only things I’m consistent with, aside from disappointing him, is that he is locked up and I play with him at least every other day. Keeping him locked up is a passive thing. Once he’s locked I don’t need to do anything. I’m good at that. But that may be the only thing I’m good at. I’m failing at being his keyholder.
So last night I was thinking about concentrating on short term goals. Yes, I’d like him to be able to accept my fist up his ass, but we’re not going to get there at the rate we’re going. This week, assuming he is a horny boy tonight or tomorrow night and has a nice big erection, I want to make the second Lion clone. Hopefully it will be a bigger, more accurate version of his Mini Me. And then I can use it on him. He should have anal training at least twice a week. Not always with his clone. Sometimes it will be with a butt plug. Pegging should be once a week so he gets used to the motion and the size. The butt plug will help stretch him. If I can maintain this training then eventually we can move on to bigger things.
I need to focus more on punishment. I hate it. He loves it. It’s what he wants/needs so I’ll do it. My short term goal is to be more consistent with enforcing the rules we already have. When I am consistent with that I can add more rules. And perhaps in the short term I can throw in a punishment or two just because he’s annoyed me for whatever reason.
In his post this morning, he says he thinks the shock collar would be useful to train him not to have an orgasm when I edge him. We can try it. I really don’t think it’s his fault when I push him too far, but he wants to get shocked so shock I will.
Now for the big one. I want to get my libido back. I’m not entirely sure how to do it except to do it. I’m hoping if Lion gives me orgasms then eventually I will start wanting them more and more. So my short term goal is to have an orgasm at least once a week. I know the mechanics are there. I know he can give me an orgasm. It’s a case of the body being willing whether the mind cares or not.
I know Lion will always want more. That’s just how he’s wired. He’ll find a new idea or toy and want to add it to our repertoire. And I’ll stress out about it because I’ll feel I’m not doing enough for him. Eventually I’ll give him what he wants. Or I’ll at least try to give him what he wants. I just don’t want to disappoint him.