Wrestling Match in My Mind

Here are my somewhat immediate problems. And these are only problems in that I know as a top they shouldn’t be problems. But for me it is a constant wrestling match in my mind about how I should act (i.e. what is expected of me as a top) and what I actually want.

I don’t mind when Lion suggests things. I don’t feel pressure to do those things. I used to. But now when he says he’s horny or this is what he’d like, I consider them and decide what to do. I am more likely now to laugh at him or tease him more if he says he’s horny. Poor baby!

My sex drive is still not where Lion wants it. On the one hand, who cares? It’s not what he wants that counts. On the other hand, he thinks he’s letting me down by not pleasing me. Not true. He is being more attentive. This pleases me.

I like to give Lion orgasms. Again, this is only a problem from the point of view of me as a top. Last night as I was teasing him, I said I was thinking about making him come every night. He said he would be thrilled with that. I know male chastity involves making him wait to come but damn it I like giving him orgasms. Then I said I might see how many times I can make him orgasm in a given day. Again he perked up. We discussed giving him a time limit and if he doesn’t have an orgasm in that time frame then he doesn’t get to have one at all. I’ll probably do all of that at some point in time.

So all of this leaves me with doubts as to whether I am making progress or not. Sometimes I feel like I am and other times not so much. I know I have an inner bitch but she is usually reserved for that idiot driver in front of me who can’t seem to do the speed limit. Lion wishes I would harness some of that road rage and put it to use on him. That’s not how I’m wired.

I just think we have to find our own way. Somehow we’ll figure it out. There is no one size fits all approach.


  1. Author

    I’ve been taking charge more and my husband loves it. My problem is that I actually want him to initiate more, and I believe that’s what you wanted from your husband too. If I am the one taking charge and he is not allowed to make suggestions then how do I get what I want? I’m just a little confused I guess. If any suggestion from him is seen as topping from the bottom, then how will he ever initiate? As long as I am telling him to do things for me it is not what I want. And my deciding to jump on top of him may be a turn on for him but not for me. I think you said something about a warm up to the main event. Something that used to be called foreplay. I want some of that. How do I get it? Like I said, ordering him to do it is not a turn on for me.

  2. Author

    I was just thinking about this today. Last night Lion said he was horny and then immediately said he was sorry for mentioning it. I told him I don’t mind if he says it. But then today I was thinking of the way he presented the idea of being caged. He told me he hoped it would prompt him to be more attentive to me (I.e. more likely to initiate). Two issues with that idea. Why does it take a cage to make him initiate? And if the cage is necessary to his initiating, don’t we have to then stop our momentum to take the cage off? Details. Details. But I digress.

    The other night, as you may have read in Lion’s post, I was going to go Lion riding. First I was going to have him play some movie trailers for me to get me ready for the feature presentation. Then things didn’t quite work out so I decided to spank him instead. This would have been a big move for me. I have never told him to give me foreplay. But the truth is, I was doing it for him. Sure I probably would have enjoyed myself, but it’s less fun for me if I have to tell him to do things.

    Like you, I don’t understand why we both can’t win. Why can’t he initiate more even if I am in charge of the key? Is it still topping from the bottom if I tell him I’d like him to initiate? Haven’t I given him permission, if not a direct order, to initiate? Is he then not following orders if he doesn’t initiate? This sort of logic makes my head hurt.

    You might try that with your husband. Order him to initiate more. It’s worth a try.

  3. Author

    It didn’t occur to me that I would have to order him to initiate until I suggested it to Beatrice. Especially since he presented it as a benefit to his being caged.

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